8 months

Today marks the eight month mark of husbands death. I’ve been sleeping or crying all day, when I was alone. Now I’m tired to the core but sleep eludes me. It’s been 4 months since we moved into the new place and the living room is STILL full of boxes.

Elder two children are back, sleeping on the floor of my living room, surrounded by boxes but will they help unpack? Hell no. They don’t care, it’s not their things. Even when  it IS theirs, they do nothing.

Youngest is making me proud. He started public high school this year and is EXCELLING. Straight A’s and he’s learning piano! He’s doing stagecraft and ROTC. Last night he went to a play at the college while I was at work and didn’t tell me till later. He’s growing so fast! I taught him to shave tonight, something husband was supposed to do. Then I cried for an hour.

I found out three days ago that my step mother will die soon. Two years of fighting cancer and it has won. She now has an inoperable tumor. They expect two or three weeks and she’ll be gone. My heart breaks for my father. I know EXACTLY how he’s about to feel. Devastation doesn’t even BEGIN to describe the feeling.


192 days and counting

It’s been a little over 6 months since husband died. Yesterday, Baby Bear started high school. I’m sitting here crying, again, as I listen to the silence in the house. Husband and I had made so many plans for this time in our lives. We were supposed to languish sleepily in bed, making love, slow late morning drives through the mountains, lazy lunches by a babbling brook…. So many dreams. So many plans.  Now…..

I sit here alone, wondering what the hell to do with my day. Since I lost my job 3 weeks ago, all my waking hours have been filled with my son. Now, he’s going to be gone 8 hours a day and I’m at a loss. I DO need to finish getting the house unpacked but… I don’t want to. I COULD take the dogs to the park but…. It’s too hot. I think I’m dropping into depression again but…. I dunno. I REALLY need to go to Social Security and change some things but it’s clear across town and… Sigh. I know, I’m making excuses. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I don’t have the strength to stop it. I’m tired and I just want this nightmare to end.

Since we last spoke….

It’s been a little over 4 years since my last post and so much has happened. I suppose I should catch you up, huh?

Well, My youngest son has been doing well with his diabetes. He was put on a pump last year and his numbers have dropped dramatically (YAY OMNIPOD!!) He was put on a CGM and it’s, literally, been a lifesaver. We’ve only had one visit to the hospital for DKA, about a month ago and that was because of me being at work, moving and his insulin being at the new apartment when he was at the old one! Not my greatest moment in this adventure.

Speaking of the new apartment, we moved 6 weeks ago. We made the decision to move right after my husband died. Oh… you didn’t know, did you? I’m sorry, I should have told you before. Yeah, he died January 27th, 2018. Almost 6 months ago. He passed 10 days before baby bear turned 15. Baby bear said he’s not having any more birthdays because he doesn’t want me to die. Anyway, what killed my husband was a toxic mixture of medications. It was ruled an accident.

Baby bear has handled his fathers death well, I think. It’s hard to tell because he’s such a closed person, emotionally. I can’t tell if he’s being strong for me or if he’s really not FEELING anything. It’s so very hard to see his grief through my own. Honestly, if it weren’t for him and my new job (Yeah, I had to go back to work after 15 years of being a stay at home mom!) I’d be a basket case. Someone asked me how I do it and I honestly had to answer “I have no choice. My son needs me” Some days I break down at work and just cry for hours, silent tears coursing down my face as I’m dealing with customers over the phone. It sucks but people at my job are…. well they leave me alone when I’m crying so I guess that’s good.

MY elder children are gone from the house now. They are starting out on the rest of their lives. They struggle and come home for respite occasionally but, they are trying. Right now they are homeless and alternate between my floor and my mothers place, couch surfing with friends and the occasional stay at the motel. I worry about them but, it’s better this way. I have MORE than enough to deal with between my stuff and Baby Bears issues.Cold hearted as it sounds, it’s NOT easy for me.

Anyway, I gotta get ready to go to my second job. MY little stroke patient needs a shower and I’m the ONLY one who she trusts to give her one.


Before I go, here’s my theme song for this year.

Stressed Out

One thing then another…

So I’ve been having pain in my right shoulder for a couple months now and recently found out I have a torn rotator cuff.


Put off seeing the Dr because of Dans doctor appointments and got to where I couldn’t lift my arm. Got an MRI and…. well, anyway, now I need surgery on my shoulder. I was SUPPOSED to go in for the preop appointment this morning but we can’t afford the 200 dollar copay. I cancelled the surgery.

Now I’m sitting here wondering why my life is so fucked up. Dan has been diagnosed with non 24 sleep disorder. He needs a special light that costs around a hundred dollars, some meds the insurance won’t cover and a sleep apnea machine. More testing, MRI on his brain, blood tests, ST scan and another sleep study for titration. He needs oxygen at night. All told, we need about 500 dollars for his medical stuff alone. Insurance doesn’t cover the lamp or the special meds.

I started a fund raiser for Dans medical costs at


If you can help, that would be awesome!

As for myself, I’ll wait on my surgery. I’m getting used to the pain and using my left arm more to compensate for the lower ability of the injured arm. It sucks but it’s doable.

Being poor sucks so much.

Pity Party Inside! Grab a Balloon

Grab a balloon and hang on tight!

Grab a balloon and hang on tight!

The weather has taken everything I had in reserves and washed it straight into the South Platte river. All my reserve Spoons, all my willpower and all my patience. I’m hurting. The worst I’ve hurt in almost a year and the weather is so bad that I can’t even ride to the MMJ store to get something to help. It’s been raining for a week and tonight it’s decided to get cold and start hailing too.

This is kinda how I feel. All twisted up

This is kinda how I feel. All twisted up

So, I’ve decided to throw myself a pity party. My kids even baked me a pink cake with strawberry frosting. I’m not proud to say I ate 1/4 of it. By myself… with milk. Didn’t help the pain but my thighs feel better. Or is it bigger? I dunno but it tasted good either way.


Anyway, I just thought I’d share some balloons and cake with you, in case you’re feeling down or in pain like me. You know what they say, Misery loves company.

A wish for tomorrow

A wish for tomorrow

Lingering Times

I read a post this morning that got me all teary-eyed and walking down memory lane. toddling down contemplation corridor.  It was about the times in my life when I’ve lingered. There are many such times.

The times, recently, that I’ve lingered the most are just before bed. I walk through the house, locking doors, putting dirty dishes in the sink and taking the dogs out one last time before I lay down.  I open my sons door and just linger there a moment, seeing them sleeping. More often than not, I reminisce about the day, thinking of the events and how I could have done them differently.

My eldest son sleeps in the attached garage and, more often than not, I ponder as I’m watching him sleep. I wonder how I can help him get the tools he needs to deal with the anguish that has been thrown his way these past few years. Sometimes I cry, silently, for him. Most times I just feel saddened because the grief he’s feeling now I had hoped never to see in a child of mine. Doesn’t matter that he’s 30…. He’s still my child.

My fifteen year old I watch sleeping, wondering how I can get through to him. He’s growing so fast and has plans to move out when he’s sixteen. My heart breaks when I think about this. He wants to grow up so fast and I just want him home, safe, with me forever. He’s not ready.

Neither am I….

At twelve, my youngest lays asleep on the couch, video controller in hand. I turn off the television, put the controller on the charger and tuck the blanket around his shoulders. He’s so tall now that his feet hang over the end of the couch if he stretches out. I slip back in time, remembering him sleeping as a baby and looking so small. I struggle to hold back the tears as I think of his bravery in dealing with his diabetes. How he’s grown into such a responsible young man in just the past year. I think about his deciding to volunteer at the food bank and wonder how I can nurture that altruistic part of him.

I go to bed, thinking about my children, how different they are from one another and how I can help them become the men they need to be in this horrible world that they have seen way too much of yet not enough of at the same time. I worry… and I pray…… and I let go. A little at a time. Every night, I linger just a moment longer.

8 Simple facts to explain fibromyalgia on Awareness Day

Wonderfully written post on Fibromyalgia.

The Invisible F

Wearing  a Mask by me Wearing a Mask by me

It’s Fibromyalgia Awareness Day!

Every effort no matter how small goes a long way in raising awareness of this little understood chronic condition.

If you didn’t know, fibromyalgia is a neurological condition that inflicts a crap load of symptoms onto patients. Symptoms include chronic muscle pains, debilitating exhaustion, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Syndrome – sensitivities to noise, bright lights, chemicals, certain medications and foods, depression and anxiety, cognitive impairments also known as fibro fog, irritable bowel syndrome, migraines and dizziness. This is by no means an exhaustive list.

If you need help in explaining to someone how fibromyalgia affects your life or the life of someone you love, you can direct them to my blog where there’s loads of information, explained in simple terms.

I’ve compiled 8 simple facts about fibromyalgia to help you explain what it is to someone who doesn’t know.

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