Pain is such a pain

Again I am kept awake till all hours of the morning because of pain and am awakened by pain. Some days I wish I could just curl up and die because I’m so fucking tired of hurting. It would be different if there were something broken or whatever but this all encompassing pain , never ending misery I feel is overwhelming. The Dilaudid helps for a time but, damnit, I’m tired of being drugged up to the point of stupid all the time.

Mike helps as much as he can but after so many years of dealing with my pain, I know it’s wearing thin. He’s truly an angel for his patience. He rarely complains, to me, about it. I can see it in his eyes when he asks me, every morning, how I’m feeling. Some days he doesn’t even have to ASK, he can tell by how I’m walking. It’s putting a strain on our relationship, I know. He’s crankier nowdays and snappish at the boys. He tries, God knows he tries but, it’s tearing him apart seeing me, the shell of the woman he married in pain all the time.

My little guys are a Godsend most days. I know my illness has been affecting them as well because of how clingy Dan is and how Sean is withdrawn and thoughtful. He tries to be the big brother but, he’s afraid and he really doesn’t like Dan. When he came back from his fathers and Dan was here, just a baby. I knew he was hurt, thinking I’d gotten a replacement for him while he was gone. He was only four but, I knew by the way he acted out, cutting the couch, playpen, breaking things. I tried to reassure him but, I don’t know how well I did. It seems to be another of my failed attempts at parenting.

Dan is daddys boy. He always has been because he’s Mikes bio kid. He’s brash, loud and arrogant but I know he’s just putting up a front because he’s tender and cries easily as well. At nine, he’s terrified of school, won’t sleep at night and acts like a little adult. He frequently talks about sex and, before anyone thinks he’s abused, let me assure you, he’s been like this since he was 4! Last week he told me, in front of his father and brother “mom, I’m horny” WTF?? Where the hell did he hear that? I asked him what he meant and he said “my penis is hard” OMG WTF WHERE THE HELL IS HE GETTING THIS INFORMATION??!?!? He worries me sometimes.

I decided to homeschool, much to the chagrin of my darling husband. The reason? Dan was having to be CARRIED, screaming, every day to the bus stop. Since kindergarten, he’s been like this. So, in second grade I decided to homeschool. If for nothing more than my sanity. It went well for the first semester then the brakes went on. He refused to do school work after Spring break. He refuses to write, hates art, is incredibly fast at math but struggles with science. Sean decided this year that he wanted to be homeschooled as well. BIG MISTAKE. He was in advanced classes, his CSAP scores through the roof but he’s failing EVERYTHING this year because he’s bored and spends all his time on Minecraft. GOD I hate that game!

Sometimes I’m assured that I’m a wonderful mother, that my children are “well adjusted” and theres nothing wrong but, I know, theres something SERIOUSLY wrong with my children. At 12 and 9 they are both defiant, manipulative, spoiled and selfish. Is it just me that sees these things?? Am I the one with the issue because I find fault in my sweet babies? God knows I love them with all my being but damn, some days….

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