Obsessing about my weight this week. I’m cranky as fuck and I think I’m about to start. I’ve been a bitch for days now and my sis and bro are getting the brunt of it. I feel bad about it but can’t seem to stop. It’s like just hearing people BREATHE irritates me to tears.
Yesterday I was in so much pain! I’d binged on a huge burrito with chili and cheese the night before. THAT’S not going to happen again!! I swear it felt like I had a knife in my gut all day! Yesterday I had a half cup of coffee, 8 ounce breakfast drink and a bowl of Ramen. Well, half a bowl, I gave the rest to D. Today I’m feeling a little better but my belly still feels full and I’m thinking about a laxative to clear the burrito from my system.
I know better than to eat that much. My stomach has shrunk so much that eating that burrito HURT. I know that yet I did it anyway. WHY? I didn’t even WANT the damned thing, it was just THERE and my son wouldn’t eat it. I can’t let food go to waste! I know, I should have wrapped it and stuck it in the fridge but…. Damnit, there’s that but again. Stop it.
Today the therapist is coming and I need a shower. She cancelled last week because she doesn’t want to see me without Mike since we are doing couple counselling. I understand her thinking but I REALLY needed to talk to her and she wouldn’t come. I think I might need to start seeing my ED counselor again. I’m down another 5 pounds.
Tonight I have to go to the school for S’s concert. Why the hell do they do those things on a school night? S is supposed to be in bed by 9 but won’t even get out of the concert till then. I hate going to these things. Not because I dislike music but because of the crowd of people. The perfumes, the noise, the PEOPLE. I can’t think about that or I won’t go and my baby needs me to be there. I haven’t missed any of his performances and won’t start now. I can’t let myself fall back into that old pattern. I REFUSE to sequester myself away from the world again.
No matter how terrified I am.
My pain is up today, damned snow came in last night. I hate the cold!!
The shooting last week hit me hard and, after Aurora, I am having to fight hard to stay in the mindset of normalcy. What if someone starts shooting at the school tonight? What if some crazy fucker goes into S’s school and shoots him? Every day has been sheer terror till he returns from school. I’ve even thought of pulling him out early for Christmas break but, I HAVE to let him go. He can’t think the world is a completely evil place. He can’t be afraid to go outside like D and I are.
I can’t stop the what ifs going through my head now so I’m going to go take my shower. Let’s see if THAT helps me relax.