Life goes on, fearfully

No matter how badly we wish things were different, they are what they are.

Mike went through another MRI Friday to see if there are any changes in the size of his brain. The doctor thinks he may have dementia. For months I’ve been praying for this to not be true but the longer it goes the more sure I am that it is. With the personality changes he’s had, it’s hard NOT to think it is.

Two weeks ago he was acting bad, slurring his words and being argumentative. He wanted to take the motorcycle and I took the key so he couldn’t then got in the shower. While I was bathing, he got into my pocket and took the key. I got a call from the police while rinsing my hair. He’d had an accident.

The officer came and got me so I could get the bike from the side of the road. They said they would have taken him to jail but he passed the breath test and I told them about his health issues. Luckily he had an appointment with the dr a couple hours later. The dr is concerned to say the least.

That night he slapped my 14 year old because they were having words. Then he took a pair of scissors to his two foot long ponytail, butchering it and cutting his ear. He took a butcher knife to the lid of the trash can, stabbing it through with one thrust. I called his doctor the next morning and he suggested that if he got worse, to call the police and have them take him to the hospital for evaluation.

I’m afraid of my husband for the first time in our eleven years of marriage. I don’t know what he’s going to do next. I know it’s not his fault but I’m afraid. I’m terrified to the point that I’m getting a scant couple hours of sleep each night because I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid and not know what he’s doing. I’m afraid that if he gets much worse, I’m going to have to admit him or put him in a home for the safety of the kids.  They won’t stay with him alone for more than a few minutes because they are scared as well.

God help me, I don’t want to leave him when he needs me the most but my babies deserve better. So do I.

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