Many years ago, 15 to be exact, I found a man and fell deeply in love.Two years later we were wed on a stormy, snowy miserable night in his condo. Life had it’s ups and downs but we were strong and never fought. We weathered the storms, side by side, and became stronger.
The past 2 years have been the toughest ever. Hubby became sick in January 2013 and almost died. 6 ICU visits in three months. February we almost lost our youngest to diabetic ketoacidosis on his 10th birthday. I was told my husband might die the same day. They were in different ICUs on opposite sides of town.
April, hubbys brother younger died suddenly from heart failure.
Hubby has had mental issues since that January and would be belligerent, docile, violent, weepy… he was EVERYWHERE emotionally and forgot things a lot. Then in October, he had three grand mal seizures in a week. Dr said it was from abruptly getting off Cymbalta. His confusion got worse.
Two years have passed and hubby is better but there are still issues with his cognition and there are still things he can’t remember. We ruled out MS so that’s good news but there are still a LOT of unanswered questions.
Many times in the past two years, I’ve thought about divorce. Even got the papers to fill out but haven’t done anything with them. I’ve felt more and more lonely in this relationship but I hold on. I’m stubborn like that. I feel a lot like a referee because of the way the interactions go between my middle son and my hubby. Nothing he does is good enough for hubby. Noone can talk to him about anything without him getting depressed or angry. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I just want to leave.
I mostly feel like I’m married to a man I don’t know, that someone took my husband and sent me someone that is an alien at best. All he does now is watch his shows on the computer and go shopping. We never take walks anymore. We never just sit and talk. He hasn’t touched me sexually in two years, says he’s not interested in sex any more…. I don’t know if it’s because he’s having physical issues or if he just doesn’t want sex with me.
I wish I could find out what happened that changed him so drastically…. I want my husband back, damnit! I hate being in mourning for someone who’s not dead.