Fibro Health update and pity party


Hi gang. Sorry I haven’t posted much about my fibro lately, been a bit busy with the family’s health, as you know. So, here’s an update.

With the stress of family the past few months, I’ve found my fibro flares more intense and yet manageable  I wonder if it’s just my mind is too preoccupied to notice the pain till the wee hours of the morning, then BAM, I’m crying from the pain! I’ve been having more pain in my legs, my RLS has flared to excruciating heights and my migraines are back with a vengeance. Hips are screaming today and all I did was take the dog out!

Yesterday I had to go with hubby to his doctor then drop off a sample for Dans doctor. When I got home, I CRASHED. I laid down because my hips were hurting so bad I could barely walk. The next thing I knew, it was four hours later. WHY does doing the least little thing have to wear me out so bad?

Today I’m having to “take it easy”, my term for “leave me the fuck alone, I’m in PAIN” I’m bitchy, short tempered and tired. EVERY time I have to go out, I’m laid up for a day or three afterwards. Lately, I haven’t had that “luxury” It’s been one thing after another and I’ve gone through my entire stash of Dilaudid since my last doctors visit. I’ll have to call him and set up another appointment, costing ANOTHER 30 dollars! Why the hell are co-pays so expensive? I have Medicare for crying out loud!

The past few months have been hell, financially, for us. With the 300 dollar co-pay for hubbys hospital visits, the 30 dollars x5 doctor visits and our meds at 500 dollars. Rent is 1200, lights and water another 350. We bring in about 2300 a month. We don’t qualify for food stamps so what the F”CK are we supposed to feed the kids?

The one good thing is my appetite is nonexistent so I’m not eating much. A sandwich or some soup every day is all I’m able to choke down. That brings me to another symptom. Stomach pain, EVERY time I eat. I’m not talking ye generic tummy trouble. I’m talking knife in the stomach, double you over, “my God why did I even BOTHER” pain. I’m down to drinking the broth from the Ramen packets, broth from the chicken and dumplings I made last week and the gravy from the stew. I FINALLY talked hubs into buying me a blender, in hopes that the pureed food will be easier to tolerate. We’ll see. I hope to God I didn’t make him waste 20 dollars on another false hope.

I’ve lost another 20 pounds in the past month, down to 170. I’m flabby as hell and I can’t stand to see myself naked. It’s spring and I’m sweating like crazy but, I’m NOT taking to Tee shirts and shorts because my body is GROSS. I’ve always had thick arms but now the skin is literally just HANGING off them. My youngest informed me that my arms were “like fat flying squirrel wings” I cried for hours after that.

I hate this. I’ve always liked my body, felt confident and wonderful about how I looked, even at 300 pounds but now…

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Food and daily(ish) diary


So, Wednesday S had his concert. I had to pass because my pain level was through the roof even WITH two Dilaudid. He was disappionted and I feel horrible for being such a sucky mom. Fucking Fibro. I HATE it!  Yesterday D and I played a couple games of chess, he read Hop on Pop to me and we worked on a couple of find a word puzzles. Today we played Minecraft for a while till S got home from school and now they are playing together nicely. Makes me smile to hear their playing conversations.

 

Yesterday I had a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast around 1 in the afternoon. I had a boiled egg sandwich at 10 PM, so I could take my meds. Today I woke up at almost two, took my meds and ate 1/2 cup of raisin bran. Dinner 1/2 small chicken and cheese burrito with a cup of coffee. My belly is bloated. I think I’m retaining water because it’s almost That Time again. Ugh. Might explaine the incregible amount of pain I’ve been in for the past two days.

My legs have been cramping so much today! I don’t know why but I’ve started my potassium again. I’m out of multi vitamines till the first of the month since Mike used my last 20 to buy his fucking cigarettes. Seriously getting tired of his nasty habit!

Yesterday, we got a wonderful donation of food from Lockheed Martin. 5 big boxes that were mostly things we’ll use. What we won’t eat, my mom will get as part of her holiday gifts from the family. She needs it with my niece , her baby and her boyfriend staying there with her.

 

Obsessing Bitch


Obsessing about my weight this week. I’m cranky as fuck and I think I’m about to start. I’ve been a bitch for days now and my sis and bro are getting the brunt of it. I feel bad about it but can’t seem to stop. It’s like just hearing people BREATHE irritates me to tears.

Yesterday I was in so much pain! I’d binged on a huge burrito with chili and cheese the night before. THAT’S not going to happen again!! I swear it felt like I had a knife in my gut all day! Yesterday I had a half cup of coffee, 8 ounce breakfast drink and a bowl of Ramen. Well, half a bowl, I gave the rest to D. Today I’m feeling a little better but my belly still feels full and I’m thinking about a laxative to clear the burrito from my system.

 

I know better than to eat that much. My stomach has shrunk so much that eating that burrito HURT. I know that yet I did it anyway. WHY? I didn’t even WANT the damned thing, it was just THERE and my son wouldn’t eat it. I can’t let food go to waste! I know, I should have wrapped it and stuck it in the fridge but…. Damnit, there’s that but again. Stop it.

 

Today the therapist is coming and I need a shower. She cancelled last week because she doesn’t want to see me without Mike since we are doing couple counselling. I understand her thinking but I REALLY needed to talk to her and she wouldn’t come. I think I might need to start seeing my ED counselor again. I’m down another 5 pounds.

 

Tonight I have to go to the school for S’s concert. Why the hell do they do those things on a school night? S is supposed to be in bed by 9 but won’t even get out of the concert till then. I hate going to these things. Not because I dislike music but because of the crowd of people. The perfumes, the noise, the PEOPLE. I can’t think about that or I won’t go and my baby needs me to be there. I haven’t missed any of his performances and won’t start now. I can’t let myself fall back into that old pattern. I REFUSE to sequester myself away from the world again.

No matter how terrified I am.

My pain is up today, damned snow came in last night. I hate the cold!!

 

The shooting last week hit me hard and, after Aurora, I am having to fight hard to stay in the mindset of normalcy. What if someone  starts shooting at the school tonight? What if some crazy fucker goes into S’s school and shoots him? Every day has been sheer terror till he returns from school. I’ve even thought of pulling him out early for Christmas break but, I HAVE to let him go. He can’t think the world is a completely evil place. He can’t be afraid to go outside like D and I are.

I can’t stop the what ifs going through my head now so I’m going to go take my shower. Let’s see if THAT helps me relax.

All it took was a hug


I shed tears again today. The cheerful ones, again. I’m doing it a lot lately, it seems, this crying over little things.

Sean came to me and gave me a hug, something I rarely let them do before because it hurt too much. Not physically but, mentally. That my husband and children couldn’t hug me because I was fat was silly, I know but, there it was. I wouldn’t let them hug me because they couldn’t encircle me in their arms. Don’t ask me why but, it was important that they could. Today, Sean hugged me and when I felt him clasp his hands behind me, I cried.

And all it took was a hug.