One thing then another…

So I’ve been having pain in my right shoulder for a couple months now and recently found out I have a torn rotator cuff.

Ouch..

Put off seeing the Dr because of Dans doctor appointments and got to where I couldn’t lift my arm. Got an MRI and…. well, anyway, now I need surgery on my shoulder. I was SUPPOSED to go in for the preop appointment this morning but we can’t afford the 200 dollar copay. I cancelled the surgery.

Now I’m sitting here wondering why my life is so fucked up. Dan has been diagnosed with non 24 sleep disorder. He needs a special light that costs around a hundred dollars, some meds the insurance won’t cover and a sleep apnea machine. More testing, MRI on his brain, blood tests, ST scan and another sleep study for titration. He needs oxygen at night. All told, we need about 500 dollars for his medical stuff alone. Insurance doesn’t cover the lamp or the special meds.

I started a fund raiser for Dans medical costs at

http://www.gofundme.com/danylsdreamfund

If you can help, that would be awesome!

As for myself, I’ll wait on my surgery. I’m getting used to the pain and using my left arm more to compensate for the lower ability of the injured arm. It sucks but it’s doable.

Being poor sucks so much.

Lingering Times

I read a post this morning that got me all teary-eyed and walking down memory lane. toddling down contemplation corridor.  It was about the times in my life when I’ve lingered. There are many such times.

The times, recently, that I’ve lingered the most are just before bed. I walk through the house, locking doors, putting dirty dishes in the sink and taking the dogs out one last time before I lay down.  I open my sons door and just linger there a moment, seeing them sleeping. More often than not, I reminisce about the day, thinking of the events and how I could have done them differently.

My eldest son sleeps in the attached garage and, more often than not, I ponder as I’m watching him sleep. I wonder how I can help him get the tools he needs to deal with the anguish that has been thrown his way these past few years. Sometimes I cry, silently, for him. Most times I just feel saddened because the grief he’s feeling now I had hoped never to see in a child of mine. Doesn’t matter that he’s 30…. He’s still my child.

My fifteen year old I watch sleeping, wondering how I can get through to him. He’s growing so fast and has plans to move out when he’s sixteen. My heart breaks when I think about this. He wants to grow up so fast and I just want him home, safe, with me forever. He’s not ready.

Neither am I….

At twelve, my youngest lays asleep on the couch, video controller in hand. I turn off the television, put the controller on the charger and tuck the blanket around his shoulders. He’s so tall now that his feet hang over the end of the couch if he stretches out. I slip back in time, remembering him sleeping as a baby and looking so small. I struggle to hold back the tears as I think of his bravery in dealing with his diabetes. How he’s grown into such a responsible young man in just the past year. I think about his deciding to volunteer at the food bank and wonder how I can nurture that altruistic part of him.

I go to bed, thinking about my children, how different they are from one another and how I can help them become the men they need to be in this horrible world that they have seen way too much of yet not enough of at the same time. I worry… and I pray…… and I let go. A little at a time. Every night, I linger just a moment longer.

The Obama Healthcare Debacle

A family in Denver got some surprising news this morning. The health care, which they have had for twelve years has changed. Before, they were able to take their children to the doctor for a very little fee and no monthly charges. Now, thanks to the change in the government laws, they will have to pay thirty-five dollars a month for their children’s health insurance.

Now, to the average American, this wouldn’t seem like a big deal but this family is hovering on the edge of homelessness. The parents are both disabled and dependant on Social Security to pay the bills. They don’t qualify for food assistance (SNAP) or any services from the state besides the CHP+ program. They are among the millions hurt by the changes the government has forced upon them.

With the medical bills skyrocketing, the father of this family has decided to forgo the much-needed surgery he needs because they can’t afford the copays. If he doesn’t get the surgery, he will lose the use of his left arm completely The mother doesn’t see the doctor as she should because the copays rose from twenty to forty dollars a visit. The youngest child is a type one diabetic and needs multiple shots of insulin every day just to survive. He’s twelve years old. Without the medicine, he will die. Without the insurance, he will not get his medication…. with the monthly insurance payments, he will go without food a few times a week.

This is not an isolated incident. For MANY American people, this insurance issue has gotten way out of hand. We aren’t punishing anyone for being poor… are we? With the struggles of the poorer American people getting harder, I have to wonder if the government isn’t just trying to kill off those who are “less than desirable” in subtle ways. We have families becoming homeless every day because of any number of things and this is just one more family who will become homeless because of a government that doesn’t really care about its people. Just one more family being shoved into the gutters of America.The only thing different about this family is it’s mine.

Now it’s personal.

The desire to change

So, I’ve got a really bad case of wanderlust as does my middle son. What we want to do is get an RV and spend a year travelling around the country, learning, exploring and LIVING. He’s 15 now and has plans to leave home after his 16th birthday so he can explore and get on with his life making Tiny Houses, living off grid. He has dreams and aspirations. I’m totally OK with this. He can always be emancipated and be legally able to do as he desires.

Back to our dream. We have been home/unschooling for a couple years now and now we want to be able to GO to the places we have been learning about and REALLY learn, get to talk to the people in the different areas of the country and expose the boys to different cultures.

There is a major problem.

Money.

The RV would cost between 5 and 10 thousand for a small one. We have really bad credit because of medical bills so we can’t get a loan. I’m wondering if we should start a kickstarter or Gofundme for the funds. We’d have money for gas and food but not the initial vehicle. This is something we’d really like to do and another thing this would do is help us to save money for a homestead.

Right now, we spend 1300 a month on rent and another thousand on other bills (electricity, water, gas etc)  We are unable to save ANY money for emergencies much less a house. This would help by allowing us to travel and find cheaper places to rent or buy.

Maybe be able to afford things like shoes and clothing for the kids even!

A Poor Mothers Christmas Eve

Sa I lay here thinking about the lack of presents under our tree this year, I’m inspired to write a poem. My heart is breaking as I dread the sadness and disappointment in their faces tomorrow morning.

 

A Poor Mothers Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the place
Stomachs were empty
A tear crawled down my face.

My children all snuggled
in one little bed
A moth eaten blanket
pulled over their heads

Outside the glass
on the sidewalk did glisten
As I stood watch by the stove
For gun shots I did listen.

The tree in the living room
glimmers and glows
Bare underneath
No ribbons or bows.

Sweaters and shoes
were all that they asked for
But nothing was gotten
Because we are poor.

Tomorrow is Christmas
That’s what they say
How do I tell them
It’s just another day?

 

Life goes on, fearfully

No matter how badly we wish things were different, they are what they are.

Mike went through another MRI Friday to see if there are any changes in the size of his brain. The doctor thinks he may have dementia. For months I’ve been praying for this to not be true but the longer it goes the more sure I am that it is. With the personality changes he’s had, it’s hard NOT to think it is.

Two weeks ago he was acting bad, slurring his words and being argumentative. He wanted to take the motorcycle and I took the key so he couldn’t then got in the shower. While I was bathing, he got into my pocket and took the key. I got a call from the police while rinsing my hair. He’d had an accident.

The officer came and got me so I could get the bike from the side of the road. They said they would have taken him to jail but he passed the breath test and I told them about his health issues. Luckily he had an appointment with the dr a couple hours later. The dr is concerned to say the least.

That night he slapped my 14 year old because they were having words. Then he took a pair of scissors to his two foot long ponytail, butchering it and cutting his ear. He took a butcher knife to the lid of the trash can, stabbing it through with one thrust. I called his doctor the next morning and he suggested that if he got worse, to call the police and have them take him to the hospital for evaluation.

I’m afraid of my husband for the first time in our eleven years of marriage. I don’t know what he’s going to do next. I know it’s not his fault but I’m afraid. I’m terrified to the point that I’m getting a scant couple hours of sleep each night because I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid and not know what he’s doing. I’m afraid that if he gets much worse, I’m going to have to admit him or put him in a home for the safety of the kids.  They won’t stay with him alone for more than a few minutes because they are scared as well.

God help me, I don’t want to leave him when he needs me the most but my babies deserve better. So do I.

Natural Disasters and Prepared Children

This past week has definitely hit home for us. We live in Colorado, right smack in the middle of the floods. We have become accustomed to the weather alerts on the television and radios and my sons are well prepared if we need to flee the flood waters. Backpacks filled with necessities, shoes where they can find them, extra meds and emergency kits in each pack and the understanding that, if we HAD to flee, the Xbox, cell phones and laptops would go with us. (their insistence on the Xbox!)

As we prepared the packs during the worst of the flooding, there was much discussion about fears and planning for the worst case scenario. Danyls biggest fear was running out of his insulin so we packed all his insulin in an insulated lunch bag and stuck it back in the fridge. His ONLY job if we have to leave is to grab this bag and his backpack.

Sean has a different job, that he chose. His biggest fear is injury and being unable to aid the injured so, his job is to grab the medical kit we have for emergencies. He’s gone through and made sure theres bandages, antibiotic salves, tape, gauze, cold packs and splints in the kit. I think he added some other things as well but Ill have to look and see. He was VERY busy on Thursday getting this ready.

My job is the important papers. Birth certificates, marriage license, shot records for kids and dog, insurance cards, ownership papers and the like. I will also supervise the kids and make sure they are ready quickly.

Hubbys job is to make sure the power is cut off when we leave, getting the computers into their waterproof bags and getting the dog ready to go. We even made an extra bag with a weeks worth of food and water for the dog and kids.  HE gets to carry THAT.

Friday, we did a drill to see how fast we could get ready. It worked very well and we were all ready in less than 10 minutes! This is good because I was having a HUGE fibro flare and was moving slow. Preparation is key, getting things ready BEFORE you need them.

Teaching this to the kids was fun and an important step in their bugging out preparations. We’ve discussed, all week, where we’d go and what to do if we got separated. Thankfully we haven’t had to implement this plan yet.

 

One thing I worry about is getting to higher ground fast enough. I’m deathly afraid of murky, rushing water and I just hope, if we have to go, there’s none around!

As I watched the events unfolding around us, I kept thinking “No, please no, not now, not this year” We’ve gone through so much crap this year that this would be just another disaster added to the most disastrous of years in my entire marriage. As I listened to yet another emergency broadcast, I bit my lip and inwardly prayed that we be spared. When the dam broke three miles from my home, flooding the area, I cried. When the waters went the other way, I silently celebrated, selfishly.

I watched the news yesterday and saw that Longmont was being evacuated. Five miles North of us. Flooding continues swirling around the communities around us yet we are untouched, thus far. A sea of peaceful calm within the eye of the storm. I thank the Gods and Goddesses for this.

Mike said a few days ago that he could have done a better job of finding us a place to live, a place we could actually afford instead of this expensive place. I pointed out, yesterday, the places we WERE going to move to. They were all flooded! I hugged him and told him that we were meant to be here, for exactly this reason.

 

As you go through your days, think on this. What would YOU and your family do if this flooding or any other natural disaster hit YOUR hometown? Will you and your kids be prepared?

And one final yet VERY important thought: Remember your pets! They are your family as well. Think about how devastated you would be if your animal was killed in the disaster because you forgot them at home. PLEASE, take your pets. They deserve to be safe and with their family too!

SO totally agree!

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via SO totally agree!.

 

I TOTALLY agree with this posting! I’m homeschooling my sons and they are far more advanced than their B&M friends.

 

When my 13 year old came home from 7th grade B&M, in April of this year, he showed me his homework and threw it to the floor in disgust with the words “I learned this crap in 4th grade. WHY am I STILL being taught it?” I knew I had to do something. He asked to be homeschooled and I said yes.

 

This year my 10 year old son, homeschooled since 2nd grade, is learning French and about nanotechnology. By his choice. In NO B&M public school that I know of do they teach a foreign language before 5th grade. Next year he will be an ambassador to Canada!

 

While most kids are in school, my sons are out doing things, partaking in the education that will actually get them ready to be adults, not robots or mindless slaves to a broken system. Just this past Monday, we were at the capital, taking part in a protest. When we got home, we had a “round table” discussion where we each gave out thoughts about the different ways we could, as  a nation, help Syria instead of bombs. They each sent emails to our senators, giving those ideas to them. Friday, Mark Udall CALLED the boys to discuss their ideas. How many B&M students get THAT excitement these days?

 

Truthfully, I think most kids in America are being done a disservice because of public school. They graduate without the basic tools they desperately need. They lack the critical, creative and individual thinking we so desperately need in this country. The world is not about filling in bubbles.

 

Time to burst their bubbles!!!!

Learning to Protest

As part of our unschooling of the children, we have become more involved in politics of all things. We discuss a lot of things, including Syria. Today, we are going to our first protest, as a family.

Last night Dan (10), Sean (13) and I stayed up, making signs. We discussed his fears about war and even just going to protest. He’s concerned about violence, both in Syria and here at the protest. I assured him that, if it started getting bad, that we’d leave as fast as we could. I just pray things don’t get out of hand.

I think this opportunity will be great for them to be able to see how we are supporting American interests, by protesting more wars. The boys say they don’t want any more children hurt. Dans sign says “Don’t bomb the kids!” Seans says “No more war, don’t bomb Syria” Mine says “no more wars, we want peace”

I believe this will give the kids the understanding that, here in America, we have the responsibility to protest if we believe something is wrong. This is most important! I cannot condone my children being sheep or afraid of the government!

 

Dan has been invited to be an ambassador to Canada next year! I think this will be a unique opportunity for him to learn and become more adventurous when he gets older. I think he really deserves this opportunity. He has such potential and has to learn not to let his diabetes get in the way.

Incensed about regretful SAHM

Ok, I HAVE to reply here to a post in the Huffington Post. I decided to reply here because I’m long-winded and couldn’t make the response fit in their space lol.

 

I’m a stay at home mom at the age of 44 and I can see her points. The problems I see here are manyfold.

First, lets look at the financial part of this. Yes, she gave up a cushy job making a bunch of money. To her, this is a huge issue and I, personally, think this is a MAJOR problem with American society in general. We complain how much everything costs but we don’t stop to see that the blame is our own. We are greedy. We DEMAND our salaries be so high that the companies have no choice but to make the product prices sky high. That six digit income has to come from somewhere.

Now, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to be ambitious but to complain because ones spouses six digit income isn’t enough is preposterous. Lower your demands sweetheart. Some of us only see six digits if you add the numbers AFTER the period and we have college degrees, work two jobs (not me, of course, but you understand) yet still barely make our minimum requirements.

I get you, I really do. But to complain about your children not seeing the hard work you did as being a job is your fault. My boys understand that this SAHM thing is hard. They see just how hard I work EVERY DAY. I don’t get weekends off or even a full nights sleep unless I’m sick. YOU were at fault for your children not understanding the sacrifice you gave to be their mother full time. I bet most of their friends were jealous because their mom actually cared enough to be with them instead of worrying about work or not being around because of overtime. My sons’ friends are always saying they wish their moms had time to be with them instead of having to work the aforementioned two jobs.

 

You got “sucked into” a crapload of volunteer work? Is no not in your vocabulary? I am positive you used it on your children… why not those who “dragged” you into those situations? Heaven forbid you actually use your self confidence to assert yourself and stick to your boundaries!

You worried more because you gave yourself nothing else to focus on. Your children weren’t the only things in your life, I’m sure, or you wouldn’t have had so much time to volunteer…. You worried more about the things that mattered but you carried that worry to a new level because you were bored, not because you were a stay at home mom.

Tell me one bad thing about a more “traditional” marriage? You cleaned house and cared for the things like the bills, the cooking, the laundry, the schoolwork… Do you realise the worry you took from your husband, the stress that he didn’t feel at work because he knew you were at home, holding down the fort? You have a marriage that’s lasted through the entire time you had children. That’s more than most people can say. You stayed together because you were of the same accord. Had he not wanted you to stay at home, I’m sure he’d have said something to you.

 

It’s sad that you think you lost your burning ambitions but I think you’ve managed to keep them, you just redirected them. Part of the reason you were a “helicopter” mom is because of that ambition. You were fiercely involved in the lives of your children and I bet they are the most awesome young people in your life. They will remember this when you’re old and grey, trust me. 

When my mother moved out of my fathers home, I was 16 and had recently begun my own family. She took with her my younger brother who was 13. For years she struggled through with her new role as provider AND mother. She went back to work full time when my brother was 15 and still works full time, 27 years later. She never worked, before or during our childhood. Her first job EVER was when she turned 35 years old. You’re young. Don’t discount your potential!

 

You can learn new things while the kids are young and in elementary school. Then when the kids are older, you wouldn’t feel “obsolete”. What were you doing while the kiddos were in school? I homeschool my youngest yet I still have time to read, learn new things and do new things. Did you know that you could take college courses online? Teach yourself to sew, knit, craft. Heck, sit down and write a book and publish it! I bet you’d make an awesome author, just from reading this piece. Don’t discount yourself like our mothers and grandmothers did. Well, yours I suppose did. Mine raised ten kids, alone and then went into the Navy. She even went on a bicycle tour of Europe when in her late 70s! Try telling me she was worthless lol.

Too many women consider themselves used up, outdated, done in when their kids leave home but I say BULLPUCKY! Your life, the best years of your life, after children, is ahead of you. Grab life by the horns and enjoy the ride!