Depression sucks

My dear husband has taken to his bed and has been there since Monday, sleeping or crying. When he gets up, it’s to go to the bathroom and back. I MADE him eat last night but tonight he’s not eating. Since Monday, he’s had ten Otter Pops, a bowl of cereal and half a serving of beef tips and noodles. In the morning I’m calling the doctor.

Hubby has been battling depression for a couple of years but I’ve NEVER seen him this bad, for this long. He can hardly stand, I had to help him to the bathroom just now and it’s tearing me apart to see him like this. I don’t know what else to do except get him admitted and see if they can adjust his meds or something.

Last night he told me that if his family called, to tell them he’s dead. He says he’s not suicidal but, what am I supposed to think when he says that, when he tells me he feels empty and that life’s not worth living? What am I supposed to do?

The boys see him like this and have two different reactions. Older son had buried himself in Minecraft and doesn’t want to talk about it, younger son comes and asks me if dad’s going to die. He crawled into the bed with dad today and snuggled with him, crying, asking him to get up, to stop being sad.This is hurting all of us and the only thing I can think of is getting him admitted.

Earlier tonight, I talked to him and he agrees. He told me to call the doctor in the morning and see what they suggest. At least he’s amicable to it at the moment. I wonder if he’ll fight it when it comes time to DO it.

Extended Family Issues

OK, I’ve been asked by my hubby not to say anything about his family on Facebook. It seems that, no matter what I say, his sister jumps his ass. So, I’m banned from ANY contact with them on that social media. He didn’t ask me not to blog.

Monday, June 10th was hubby’s birthday and no one called him to wish him happy birthday nor did they even leave a note on Facebook. At 10:30 PM I posted that he had cried himself to sleep because he felt his family had abandoned him, that they didn’t even care enough to call. Her response “I tried to call but he didn’t pick up his cell” How could he when he went to bed at 2 in the freaking afternoon? She knows, as well, that he doesn’t get good reception in the house yet she refuses to call the home phone. Why you ask?

Because she might have to talk to me.

That’s right, I’m such a horrible person that she won’t even take the chance that I might answer the phone.

Now, I can understand if I’d been rude or disrespectful to my mother in law but the only thing I’ve EVER said to her is “hello, how are you mom? I”m fine, would you like to speak to Mike?” If calling my mother in law mom is disrespectful, tell me. I’m perplexed. Mike told me that she hates me because I didn’t offer her refreshments when she came over. Well damn, my family knows where the kitchen is and helps themselves. Sorry if you were put off by our laid back style.

My sister in law is a different story. I do remember SCREAMING at her once because she was saying how hateful and mean I was, that I called her mom all the time begging for money when I’ve NEVER called her, for ANYTHING, especially money. My SIL is the only one I have ever talked to past niceties. She and I can actually have civil conversations, when she’s not accusing me of doing things I’ve never done in my life.

The thing that really rankles my hide is this: The woman, my SIL, had absolutely nothing to do with us before she moved here. No Christmas cards, no phone calls, no visits when she was in town. Nothing. Now she’s all up in our business as my sons like to say. She talks bad about me to Mike all the time, dissing my way of unschooling Dan, tells Mike that my oldest needs to be in therapy. She’s said they both need IPs through the schools and that I can’t handle my own kids. All this and she never comes over, never visits with us, never has talked to Dan on the phone. Yet she knows everything.

I guess I’ll be glad when I don’t have to talk to either of them again. I’ve discussed with Mike getting a divorce because of their drama. He won’t move out of state and that’s the only way I can think of to get them off our butts. Especially mine. I wish I knew what to do. I’m floundering and can’t catch my breath!

Incensed about regretful SAHM

Ok, I HAVE to reply here to a post in the Huffington Post. I decided to reply here because I’m long-winded and couldn’t make the response fit in their space lol.

 

I’m a stay at home mom at the age of 44 and I can see her points. The problems I see here are manyfold.

First, lets look at the financial part of this. Yes, she gave up a cushy job making a bunch of money. To her, this is a huge issue and I, personally, think this is a MAJOR problem with American society in general. We complain how much everything costs but we don’t stop to see that the blame is our own. We are greedy. We DEMAND our salaries be so high that the companies have no choice but to make the product prices sky high. That six digit income has to come from somewhere.

Now, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to be ambitious but to complain because ones spouses six digit income isn’t enough is preposterous. Lower your demands sweetheart. Some of us only see six digits if you add the numbers AFTER the period and we have college degrees, work two jobs (not me, of course, but you understand) yet still barely make our minimum requirements.

I get you, I really do. But to complain about your children not seeing the hard work you did as being a job is your fault. My boys understand that this SAHM thing is hard. They see just how hard I work EVERY DAY. I don’t get weekends off or even a full nights sleep unless I’m sick. YOU were at fault for your children not understanding the sacrifice you gave to be their mother full time. I bet most of their friends were jealous because their mom actually cared enough to be with them instead of worrying about work or not being around because of overtime. My sons’ friends are always saying they wish their moms had time to be with them instead of having to work the aforementioned two jobs.

 

You got “sucked into” a crapload of volunteer work? Is no not in your vocabulary? I am positive you used it on your children… why not those who “dragged” you into those situations? Heaven forbid you actually use your self confidence to assert yourself and stick to your boundaries!

You worried more because you gave yourself nothing else to focus on. Your children weren’t the only things in your life, I’m sure, or you wouldn’t have had so much time to volunteer…. You worried more about the things that mattered but you carried that worry to a new level because you were bored, not because you were a stay at home mom.

Tell me one bad thing about a more “traditional” marriage? You cleaned house and cared for the things like the bills, the cooking, the laundry, the schoolwork… Do you realise the worry you took from your husband, the stress that he didn’t feel at work because he knew you were at home, holding down the fort? You have a marriage that’s lasted through the entire time you had children. That’s more than most people can say. You stayed together because you were of the same accord. Had he not wanted you to stay at home, I’m sure he’d have said something to you.

 

It’s sad that you think you lost your burning ambitions but I think you’ve managed to keep them, you just redirected them. Part of the reason you were a “helicopter” mom is because of that ambition. You were fiercely involved in the lives of your children and I bet they are the most awesome young people in your life. They will remember this when you’re old and grey, trust me. 

When my mother moved out of my fathers home, I was 16 and had recently begun my own family. She took with her my younger brother who was 13. For years she struggled through with her new role as provider AND mother. She went back to work full time when my brother was 15 and still works full time, 27 years later. She never worked, before or during our childhood. Her first job EVER was when she turned 35 years old. You’re young. Don’t discount your potential!

 

You can learn new things while the kids are young and in elementary school. Then when the kids are older, you wouldn’t feel “obsolete”. What were you doing while the kiddos were in school? I homeschool my youngest yet I still have time to read, learn new things and do new things. Did you know that you could take college courses online? Teach yourself to sew, knit, craft. Heck, sit down and write a book and publish it! I bet you’d make an awesome author, just from reading this piece. Don’t discount yourself like our mothers and grandmothers did. Well, yours I suppose did. Mine raised ten kids, alone and then went into the Navy. She even went on a bicycle tour of Europe when in her late 70s! Try telling me she was worthless lol.

Too many women consider themselves used up, outdated, done in when their kids leave home but I say BULLPUCKY! Your life, the best years of your life, after children, is ahead of you. Grab life by the horns and enjoy the ride!

Is My World Tilting?

I’m in bed.

 

Not because I WANT to be but because every time I get up, things tend to tilt…. like me, for instance.

 

It all started when I went for my sleep study on Tuesday. I slept fitfully, especially after they put the mask on me. When I woke up and sat up, I was disoriented. Went to shower and almost fell twice. The dizziness got worse and worse till I laid back down. The technician came in and asked if I was ok. I said no and described what was happening. The nurse came in and they decided to send me to the ER.

They couldn’t find anything except a possible previous bleed. Meaning that sometime in the past few months, I had a stroke. They sent me home with Valium and antivert which doesn’t seem to be helping.

 

I have an appointment on Tuesday and I’ll be talking to the doctor then about this crap. I can’t get out of bed without help and so I lay here, feeling sorry for myself.

 

One great thing that’s come of this… Dan is now giving himself the insulin shots!  Started that while I was in the ER on Thursday, may 30. This is a huge milestone for him and I couldn’t be prouder! My little guy is growing so fast!!

 

Sean took it upon himself to write a note TELLING us that he wouldn’t be home from school Thursday. He decided to have a sleep over with his buddies. Friday we were supposed to go to an ice cream social and I almost didn’t call and remind him. What’s a mom to do when her eldest is misbehaving so much? God, he’s only 13 and already doing things like this. *sigh* and I’m too sick to discipline him properly.

My Mothers day and Fibro Awareness day

Today has been good to me.

I was awakened by a poke on my butt and a whispered “Mommy… psst, mommy… wakey wakey” after a blissful nights rest, the first REAL sleep I’ve had in MONTHS. First thing I noticed was…. No pain! A smile plastered itself onto my face and stayed there all day.

Truthfully, today was the first time in a few months that I’ve really EATEN. First the four sausages and two texas toast style french toasts, cooked to perfection, then hubby made steak, REAL London Broil, on the grill, just the way I like it. He even cut it up into small enough pieces that I could gum into mush and not fear choking if I accidentally swallowed them whole (which has happened three times this month already!) I spent the day, being lovingly catered to. I left the bed when I wanted to, even gave Dan his shots, laying in my bed instead of his.

Blissful peace filled my home today. No fighting, no swearing, no raised voices and music filled the air. I spent almost all day in bed, reading, napping and just…. well, let’s put it this way, my family lovingly called me “your Highness, Your Majesty” and “the queen” all…. freaking…. day!!!

 

Have I said lately how much I love my men??

 

Anyway, enough gloating and bragging lol. On to bigger things. Today, as you all know from my picture, has been Fibromyalgia Awareness day as well and, for my part, I’ve been quite busy reading Awareness posts, blogs, talking to people on Skype about Fibromyalgia and sending emails about different studies ongoing about Fibro.

I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone involved in the research of this debilitating disease. Thank you for your tireless work to help us not only understand the whats but the whys as well. Thank you for caring enough to realize that it’s NOT all in our heads, that the pain really IS there and for having the courage to say “I want to help” We all appreciate your work!

To my long-suffering friends, those with this damned disease and those strong enough to care for us when we are unable to do for ourselves…. Thank you. Thank you for being strong, for struggling through this hell, day after day and never giving up. Thank you for loving yourselves enough to speak up, even if it’s to someone on the internet, to a cyber room full of fellow sufferers and caregivers about your pain, frustration or even to give support to a fellow sufferer. Without you all, I, personally, would have thrown in the towel years ago.

Most of all, I’d like to say thank you to everyone that will reach out in the future. Reaching out to help one another, even when you think you have nothing to give. Sometimes all we need is a waterproof shoulder and a warm, soft hug. Thank you for giving of yourselves.

I am Grateful

When I think about this insidious disease, I am astounded by what I find. I have to say that my thinking is sometimes a little… unique. I’m trying to focus on the positive today so, here are a few things I’m grateful for that I would never have thought of except for my wonderful friend Purple Law Lady at Fibromodem.

 

1. I’m grateful I can’t tolerate the snow and cold weather anymore. I’m saving over a thousand dollars a year with no ski trips, no one asks me to go Christmas shopping with them saving me hundreds every year!

2. No one asks me to go running with them anymore, leaving my phone free for the collection agencies full access to me and I don’t have the excuse of being gone and missing their calls. See 1, this is where my “free cash” is going. “sigh”

3. I’m grateful for the opportunity to home school my son. He’s an amazing child, smart ass like me and is getting a better education than his public schooled older brother. He’s in 4th doing 8th grade math and reads at college level. He just sucks  at taking those stupid TCAPs so, we don’t. Screw them. My older son skipped on them in protest this year. I’m proud to say that he protested at the capital and I was able to video it!

4. When my other went through her mastectomy, I was there to help her. She stayed at my house to recover for an amazing 6 weeks that I’m so grateful for the opportunity to take care of her. She’s a wonderful woman who I am so happy to announce…. I’m just like her.

5. I’ve been blessed to spend time with my adopted sister who I met because of an online game. She’s a wonderful woman, quirky, funny and… dare I say it… too much like me.

6. My father and I have started talking again after 15 years apart. So much time eased the hatred and fear I had in me because of the abuse he put me through. Therapy for most that time helped too. He’s in therapy now as well and, the most important thing to me, he’s admitted what he did was wrong and apologized for “being such an asshole”. That’s all I ever wanted, an apology.

7. The chance to get to know my oldest son and  be there for him when he needed a shoulder to cry on after his wife miscarried. I cried with him. After being out of his life from the age of 2 to 16, it’s been a process of forgiveness for us both. Him forgiving me for abandoning him though it was his father that kept him from me (something he never knew) and me forgiving myself for not being strong enough to fight for my right to see my son.

 

I have done so much more with my life since getting sick. I have to tell people I AM working. I’m a full-time mother and wife, housekeeper, nurse, therapist, barber and more. I’ve been here to take care of people, actually BE HERE for my kids and, you know what? I wouldn’t change it for the world. I embrace my pain and other symptoms and just be me. Something I wasn’t able to be….. in my other life.

 

Fibro Health update and pity party

Hi gang. Sorry I haven’t posted much about my fibro lately, been a bit busy with the family’s health, as you know. So, here’s an update.

With the stress of family the past few months, I’ve found my fibro flares more intense and yet manageable  I wonder if it’s just my mind is too preoccupied to notice the pain till the wee hours of the morning, then BAM, I’m crying from the pain! I’ve been having more pain in my legs, my RLS has flared to excruciating heights and my migraines are back with a vengeance. Hips are screaming today and all I did was take the dog out!

Yesterday I had to go with hubby to his doctor then drop off a sample for Dans doctor. When I got home, I CRASHED. I laid down because my hips were hurting so bad I could barely walk. The next thing I knew, it was four hours later. WHY does doing the least little thing have to wear me out so bad?

Today I’m having to “take it easy”, my term for “leave me the fuck alone, I’m in PAIN” I’m bitchy, short tempered and tired. EVERY time I have to go out, I’m laid up for a day or three afterwards. Lately, I haven’t had that “luxury” It’s been one thing after another and I’ve gone through my entire stash of Dilaudid since my last doctors visit. I’ll have to call him and set up another appointment, costing ANOTHER 30 dollars! Why the hell are co-pays so expensive? I have Medicare for crying out loud!

The past few months have been hell, financially, for us. With the 300 dollar co-pay for hubbys hospital visits, the 30 dollars x5 doctor visits and our meds at 500 dollars. Rent is 1200, lights and water another 350. We bring in about 2300 a month. We don’t qualify for food stamps so what the F”CK are we supposed to feed the kids?

The one good thing is my appetite is nonexistent so I’m not eating much. A sandwich or some soup every day is all I’m able to choke down. That brings me to another symptom. Stomach pain, EVERY time I eat. I’m not talking ye generic tummy trouble. I’m talking knife in the stomach, double you over, “my God why did I even BOTHER” pain. I’m down to drinking the broth from the Ramen packets, broth from the chicken and dumplings I made last week and the gravy from the stew. I FINALLY talked hubs into buying me a blender, in hopes that the pureed food will be easier to tolerate. We’ll see. I hope to God I didn’t make him waste 20 dollars on another false hope.

I’ve lost another 20 pounds in the past month, down to 170. I’m flabby as hell and I can’t stand to see myself naked. It’s spring and I’m sweating like crazy but, I’m NOT taking to Tee shirts and shorts because my body is GROSS. I’ve always had thick arms but now the skin is literally just HANGING off them. My youngest informed me that my arms were “like fat flying squirrel wings” I cried for hours after that.

I hate this. I’ve always liked my body, felt confident and wonderful about how I looked, even at 300 pounds but now…

Diabetic adventures Month 2

Well, we’re now into the second month and things are going well. We were FINALLY able to get to the nutrition class and found out a LITTLE more than we already knew about nutrition. I do love being able to tell people that it’s NOT the sugar we have to watch, it’s the CARBS. I mean, a Tablespoon of sugar has 4.2 carbs but a single piece of white bread has 12.7. WHO eats JUST a single piece of bread? So, that sandwich we have for lunch has, at the start, over 24 grams of carbs. 

Now, that said, a single candy bar (lets say… a Snickers bar, regular size of 2 oz.) has 33 carbs! Holy cow!! For most children, this wouldn’t be a major issue but, with a diabetic child, the 33 grams is an ENTIRE MEAL. We’re having trouble with this, today in particular, because of Easter and the godaweful baskets my husband made up. One chocolate egg has 18 carbs. Dan wants three!

The hardest part of being a DM (Diabetes Mom) is saying no. No to the entire basketsfull of candy slid toward my child on holidays. I’ve told him he can have a couple of the eggs now and a couple after dinner. We’ll dole them out over the coming weeks. He’s ok with it, on the surface but I saw the look of sadness in his eyes when his older nondiabetic brother stuck his tongue at him. I took HIS basket too, just because he was teasing.

 

I’m trying really hard to teach my older son about compassion but things like this are perplexing to me. I can’t wrap my head around why they have to be so MEAN to each other. Is it a boy thing, a sibling thing, am I doing it wrong?? I dunno. I don’t remember fighting with my brothers that much!

We’ve FINALLY had a week without illness! Dans sugars have been a tad bit higher this week, I think it might be because I’ve lowered his insulin too much. We’re at 11 but I think going back to 12 would be better because his levels have been up to over 150 most mornings. They want them down around 100. Today, for the first time, he had a bad leak of insulin and I’m going to have to keep an eye on him because of it. Looked like about 3CC.  I’m not really sure why he leaked either, I left the needle in longer than they say you should and it leaked. Maybe I left it in too long? 

 

I was reading http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/the_child_with_a_longterm_illness a few days ago that said there was a direct connection between childrens behavior issues and their chronic conditions. Well, DUH! Poor child has to endure shots, testing, chemo, more testing, pain or all sorts and some even the possibility of DYING. What person in their right minds would expect them to take all that without a little grumpiness or “acting out”??  Dan doesn’t seem to be having much of the acting out issue, thank heavens, but I wonder if he’s only stuffing and doing things, covertly, to “act out” Perhaps I’m just lucky and have a delightful child who adapts well to major crap. Like his mama…. Sometimes.

Reflections on a snowy spring day

I found a video today that hit me, making me remember how completely exhausted and low I was, even recently. Thought I’d share. Since I suck at HTML, I’ll just give you the link lol.

14 years ago I was widowed at the age of 29. Three months later I was a new mother. I was homeless with a newborn, living in my Mustang, the only possession I owned. Truthfully if it hadn’t been for my son, I would have totally given up. I thought it couldn’t get worse. Then my son got sick and was in ICU, breaths away from death.

I remember the day after he was admitted. I’d been up for three days, worrying about my son. I sat in the lounge chair in his room, praying to a God that I’d not spoken to in years, asking Him why. Why He had to hate me so much that He’d take my husband and then give me a beautiful baby, only to take him as well. I was angry, hurt, desperate for answers and none were coming. I ended up crying myself to sleep.

In my dream, I saw my husband and our son who had died, years before my husband, when he was only 18 months old. They smiled at me with such peace in their faces that it hurt me to look at them. A voice said to me “They are with me and all is well. I will not take another from you now. He will recover and you will become a mother again as well. Trust me and know that I love you, no matter how painful life becomes”

I woke up, many hours later, and looked on my son. He was still as sick as ever but my heart was at ease. I knew he would be fine. Four days later, they released him from the hospital and we went back to the place I’d been parking my car. It turned out that three days after we entered the hospital, there was a gang war of some sort in that area and, had my car been in its place, we may have been right in the middle of a hailstorm of bullets.

I think there is a reason for everything that happens in our lives, regardless of how much we DON’T want them to happen. With Mike on the road to recovery (no hospital visits in weeks!!) and Dans easy transition to being diabetic, I’m counting my blessings today.

And my sick baby? He turned 13 in November and had his first kiss a few weeks ago. He’s playing the trumpet like nobody’s business and hangs out with his friends. Oh, and he eats a truckload of food a week!! Typical teen.

Diabetic Adventures Week 4

One month ago, today, Dan was diagnosed. Finally, we’ve had a slow week, Dan is now fully into the Honeymoon stage. He’s not had his Humulin, only the 13 units of Levemir a day. Having to cut even that from 15 to 13 because he’s been having so many lows. I’m actually glad to not have to give him so many shots now. His poor legs are so bruised that it looks like he’s been beaten!

Didn’t get to the nutrition class AGAIN! This time it was Dan that was throwing up, all day. Poor little guy. I have to call on Monday to reschedule.

Every week Dan loses a couple of pounds. Unfortunately, he can’t afford to lose any more. He’s already below 5 percent body fat and complains constantly about being cold and tired. He’s back to having insomnia again, going on four days now.

I’m going to ask the doctor what it will take to get him in to the artificial pancreas trials. I’ve done the research and it looks like something we might be up to trying.